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Funny / Amusing

Love Me When I'm Old

Love me when I'm old and shocking

Peel off my elastic stockings

Swing me from the chandeliers

Let's be randy bad old dears


Push around my chromed Bath Chair

Let me tease your white chest hair

Scaring children, swapping dentures

Let us have some great adventures


Take me to the Dogs and Bingo

Teach me how to speak the lingo

Bone my eels and bring me tea

Show me how it's meant to be


Take me to your special places

Watching all the puzzled faces

You in shorts and socks and sandals

Me with warts and huge love handles

As the need for love enthrals

Wrestle with my damp proof smalls


Make me laugh without constraint

Buy me chocolate body paint

Hold me safe throughout the night

When my hair has turned to white

Believe me when I say it's true

I've waited all my life for you


I'll Be There

I’ll be there my darling

Through thick and through thin

When your mind is a mess

And your head’s in a spin

When your planes been delayed

When you’ve missed the last train

When life is just threatening

To drive you insane

When your thrilling ‘who-dunnit’

Has lost its last page

When somebody tells you

‘You’re looking your age’

When you ordered the korma

But got the madras

When you wake in the night

And think you smell gas

When you park for five minutes

In a resident’s bay

And return to discover

You’ve been towed away

When the dentist looks into

Your mouth and just sighs

When your heroes turn out

To be wimps in disguise

When the food you like most

Brings you out in red rashes

When as soon as you boot up

The ruddy thing crashes

So my darling, my sweetheart, my dear …..

When you spill your beer

When you shed a tear

When your last in the queue

Don’t feel blue

Because I’m telling you

I’ll be there

I’ll be there -

I’ll be there for you!

I Wanna be Yours

let me be your vacuum cleaner

breathing in your dust

let me be your ford Cortina

i will never rust

if you like your coffee hot

let me be your coffee pot

you call the shots

i wanna be yours

let me be your raincoat

for those frequent rainy days

let me be your dreamboat

when you wanna sail away

let me be your teddy bear

take me with you anywhere

i don’t care

I wanna be yours

let me be your electric meter

i will not run out

let me be the electric heater

you get cold without

i wanna be your setting lotion

hold your hair in deep devotion

deep as the deep atlantic ocean

that’s how deep is my devotion

deep deep deep deep de deep deep

i don’t wanna be hers

i wanna be yours

I Rely On you

like a Skoda needs suspension

like the aged need a pension

like a trampoline needs tension

like a bungee jump needs apprehension

I rely on you

like a camera needs a shutter

like a gambler needs a flutter

like a golfer needs a putter

like a buttered scone involves some butter

I rely on you

like an acrobat needs ice cool nerve

like a hairpin needs a drastic curve

like an HGV needs endless derv

like an outside left needs a body swerve

I rely on you

like a handyman needs pliers

like an auctioneer needs buyers

like a laundromat needs driers

like The Good Life needed Richard Briers

I rely on you

like a water vole needs water

like a brick outhouse needs mortar

like a lemming to the slaughter

Ryan’s just Ryan without his daughter

I rely on you

He Never Leaves The Toilet Seat up

He never leaves the seat up

Or wet towels upon the floor

The toothpaste has the lid on

And he always shuts the door!

He's very clean and tidy

Though he may sometimes delude

Leave your things out at your peril

In a second they'll have moved!

She romances him and dines him

Home cooked dinners and the like

She even knows his favourite food

And spoils him day and night!

She's thoughtful when he looks at her

A smile upon his face

Will he look that good in 50 years

When his dentures aren't in place?!

He says he loves her figure

And her mental prowess too

But when gravity takes her over

Will she charm with her IQ?

She says she loves his kindness

And his patience is a must

And of course, she thinks he's handsome

Which in her eyes is a plus!

They're both not wholly perfect

But who are we to judge

He can be pig headed

Where as she won't even budge!

All that said and done

They love the time they spend together

And I hope as I'm sure you do

That this fine day will last forever

He'll be more than just her husband

He'll also be her friend

And she'll be more than just his wife

She'll be his soul mate 'till the end.

He Never Leaves The Toilet Seat up

I Wanna Be Yours 


by John Cooper Clarke


let me be your vacuum cleaner

breathing in your dust

let me be your ford Cortina 

i will never rust

if you like your coffee hot 

let me be your coffee pot

you call the shots 

i wanna be yours

let me be your raincoat

for those frequent rainy days

let me be your dreamboat

when you wanna sail away 

let me be your teddy bear 

take me with you anywhere 

i don’t care
i wanna be yours 

let me be your electric meter 

i will not run out

let me be the electric heater

you get cold without 

let me be your setting lotion

hold your hair with deep devotion

deep as the deep Atlantic Ocean

that’s how deep is my emotion

deep deep deep deep de deep deep

i don’t wanna be hers

i wanna be yours

Marriage Doesn't Come Flat Packed

Marriage is not an impulse buy.

Like getting flat pack furniture from a life style store.

It's not something you have to impress your friends,

Because everyone said it's one of the latest trends.

It's not cherry veneer on MDF, with castors and handles to match.

Something you can wheel around with the flick of a catch. 


It's more like that old sideboard in the corner supporting the wall. 

It has a drawer for odd things like string, hooks, fuses and tape.

Another for old photos, pictures and things that have meaning. 

It has solid feet and wood blocks to prevent it from leaning. 

There's a place underneath for your favourite shoes. 

And a nook to store things you don't want to lose.


It's not held together with clever catches and odd shaped screws.

It has dovetail joints stuck with care and old-fashioned glue.

It's solid and warm with coffee ring stains and edges that don't catch. 

It's totally unique. No others to match.
It has a familiar real wood smell, 

And you know that it will always serve you both well.


This thing is BIG. 

It can take knocks, scrapes and the odd small explosion.

It can be mended and fixed with care and devotion. 

You may decide to have it restored,

A coat of French polish and new liners for drawers

Hopefully, an occasional rub down is all that's required...


You can cover it in chintz, velvet or paint.

It can be kitsch, cheesy, tasteful or quaint. 

The point is that it's yours to change. 

It doesn't have to fit with the latest range.

It can be grand, outrageous, fun or tame,

Because it's built on a hardwood frame


This piece has no price tag. 

It's not on a list and can't be bought in a sale.

There's no receipt, it can't go back to the shop or be sold.

It doesn't come in flat pack with a plan and some packing. 

It may end up battered, tired and lacking.


But it's yours. Yours alone. Don't be tempted to chuck it into a skip,

Because fashion dictates that sideboards aren't hip.

Yes I'll Marry You 

Yes, I’ll marry you, my dear,

And here’s the reason why:

So I can push you out of bed

When the baby starts to cry.


And if we hear a knocking

When its creepy and its late,

I hand you the torch you see,

  - And you investigate.


Yes, I’ll marry you my dear,

You may not apprehend it,

But when the tumble - drier goes

It’s you that has to mend it.


You’ll have to face the neighbour

Should our Labrador attack him,

And if a drunkard fondles me

It’s you that has to whack him.


Yes, I’ll marry you,

You’re virile and your lean

My house is like a pigsty

You can help to keep it clean.

 That sexy little dinner

That you served by candlelight,

As I do chipolatas

You can cook it every night!


It’s you who has to work the drill

   And put up curtain track,

And when I’m in a grumpy mood -

  - It’s you who gets the flack.

I do see great advantages

But none of them for you

And so - before you see the light,

I do, I do, I do!


There is a kind of love called maintenance,

Which stores the WD40 and knows when to use it;

Which checks the insurance, and doesn’t forget

The milkman; which remembers to plant bulbs;


Which answers letters; which knows the way

The money goes; which deals with dentists

And Road Fund Tax and meeting trains,


And postcards to the lonely; which upholds

The permanently rickety elaborate

Structures of living; which is Atlas


And maintenance is the sensible side of love,

Which knows what time and weather are doing

To my brickwork; insulates my faulty wiring;


Laughs at my dry rotten jokes; remembers

My need for gloss and grouting; which keeps

My suspect edifice upright in air,

As Atlas did the sky

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