Funny / Amusing
Love Me When I'm Old
Love me when I'm old and shocking
Peel off my elastic stockings
Swing me from the chandeliers
Let's be randy bad old dears
Push around my chromed Bath Chair
Let me tease your white chest hair
Scaring children, swapping dentures
Let us have some great adventures
Take me to the Dogs and Bingo
Teach me how to speak the lingo
Bone my eels and bring me tea
Show me how it's meant to be
Take me to your special places
Watching all the puzzled faces
You in shorts and socks and sandals
Me with warts and huge love handles
As the need for love enthrals
Wrestle with my damp proof smalls
Make me laugh without constraint
Buy me chocolate body paint
Hold me safe throughout the night
When my hair has turned to white
Believe me when I say it's true
I've waited all my life for you
Funny
I'll Be There
I’ll be there my darling
Through thick and through thin
When your mind is a mess
And your head’s in a spin
​
When your planes been delayed
When you’ve missed the last train
When life is just threatening
To drive you insane
​
When your thrilling ‘who-dunnit’
Has lost its last page
When somebody tells you
‘You’re looking your age’
​
When you ordered the korma
But got the madras
When you wake in the night
And think you smell gas
​
When you park for five minutes
In a resident’s bay
And return to discover
You’ve been towed away
​
When the dentist looks into
Your mouth and just sighs
When your heroes turn out
To be wimps in disguise
​
When the food you like most
Brings you out in red rashes
When as soon as you boot up
The ruddy thing crashes
​
So my darling, my sweetheart, my dear …..
When you spill your beer
When you shed a tear
When your last in the queue
Don’t feel blue
Because I’m telling you
​
I’ll be there
I’ll be there -
I’ll be there for you!
I Wanna be Yours
let me be your vacuum cleaner
breathing in your dust
let me be your ford Cortina
i will never rust
​
if you like your coffee hot
let me be your coffee pot
you call the shots
​
i wanna be yours
let me be your raincoat
for those frequent rainy days
let me be your dreamboat
when you wanna sail away
​
let me be your teddy bear
take me with you anywhere
i don’t care
​
I wanna be yours
let me be your electric meter
i will not run out
let me be the electric heater
you get cold without
​
i wanna be your setting lotion
hold your hair in deep devotion
deep as the deep atlantic ocean
that’s how deep is my devotion
deep deep deep deep de deep deep
i don’t wanna be hers
i wanna be yours
I Rely On you
like a Skoda needs suspension
like the aged need a pension
like a trampoline needs tension
like a bungee jump needs apprehension
I rely on you
​
like a camera needs a shutter
like a gambler needs a flutter
like a golfer needs a putter
like a buttered scone involves some butter
I rely on you
​
like an acrobat needs ice cool nerve
like a hairpin needs a drastic curve
like an HGV needs endless derv
like an outside left needs a body swerve
I rely on you
​
like a handyman needs pliers
like an auctioneer needs buyers
like a laundromat needs driers
like The Good Life needed Richard Briers
I rely on you
​
like a water vole needs water
like a brick outhouse needs mortar
like a lemming to the slaughter
Ryan’s just Ryan without his daughter
I rely on you
He Never Leaves The Toilet Seat up
He never leaves the seat up
Or wet towels upon the floor
The toothpaste has the lid on
And he always shuts the door!
He's very clean and tidy
Though he may sometimes delude
Leave your things out at your peril
In a second they'll have moved!
​
She romances him and dines him
Home cooked dinners and the like
She even knows his favourite food
And spoils him day and night!
She's thoughtful when he looks at her
A smile upon his face
Will he look that good in 50 years
When his dentures aren't in place?!
​
He says he loves her figure
And her mental prowess too
But when gravity takes her over
Will she charm with her IQ?
​
She says she loves his kindness
And his patience is a must
And of course, she thinks he's handsome
Which in her eyes is a plus!
​
They're both not wholly perfect
But who are we to judge
He can be pig headed
Where as she won't even budge!
​
All that said and done
They love the time they spend together
And I hope as I'm sure you do
That this fine day will last forever
​
He'll be more than just her husband
He'll also be her friend
And she'll be more than just his wife
She'll be his soul mate 'till the end.
He Never Leaves The Toilet Seat up
I Wanna Be Yours
by John Cooper Clarke
let me be your vacuum cleaner
breathing in your dust
let me be your ford Cortina
i will never rust
if you like your coffee hot
let me be your coffee pot
you call the shots
i wanna be yours
let me be your raincoat
for those frequent rainy days
let me be your dreamboat
when you wanna sail away
let me be your teddy bear
take me with you anywhere
i don’t care
i wanna be yours
let me be your electric meter
i will not run out
let me be the electric heater
you get cold without
let me be your setting lotion
hold your hair with deep devotion
deep as the deep Atlantic Ocean
that’s how deep is my emotion
deep deep deep deep de deep deep
i don’t wanna be hers
i wanna be yours
Marriage Doesn't Come Flat Packed
Marriage is not an impulse buy.
Like getting flat pack furniture from a life style store.
It's not something you have to impress your friends,
Because everyone said it's one of the latest trends.
It's not cherry veneer on MDF, with castors and handles to match.
Something you can wheel around with the flick of a catch.
It's more like that old sideboard in the corner supporting the wall.
It has a drawer for odd things like string, hooks, fuses and tape.
Another for old photos, pictures and things that have meaning.
It has solid feet and wood blocks to prevent it from leaning.
There's a place underneath for your favourite shoes.
And a nook to store things you don't want to lose.
It's not held together with clever catches and odd shaped screws.
It has dovetail joints stuck with care and old-fashioned glue.
It's solid and warm with coffee ring stains and edges that don't catch.
It's totally unique. No others to match.
It has a familiar real wood smell,
And you know that it will always serve you both well.
This thing is BIG.
It can take knocks, scrapes and the odd small explosion.
It can be mended and fixed with care and devotion.
You may decide to have it restored,
A coat of French polish and new liners for drawers
Hopefully, an occasional rub down is all that's required...
You can cover it in chintz, velvet or paint.
It can be kitsch, cheesy, tasteful or quaint.
The point is that it's yours to change.
It doesn't have to fit with the latest range.
It can be grand, outrageous, fun or tame,
Because it's built on a hardwood frame
This piece has no price tag.
It's not on a list and can't be bought in a sale.
There's no receipt, it can't go back to the shop or be sold.
It doesn't come in flat pack with a plan and some packing.
It may end up battered, tired and lacking.
But it's yours. Yours alone. Don't be tempted to chuck it into a skip,
Because fashion dictates that sideboards aren't hip.
Yes I'll Marry You
Yes, I’ll marry you, my dear,
And here’s the reason why:
So I can push you out of bed
When the baby starts to cry.
And if we hear a knocking
When its creepy and its late,
I hand you the torch you see,
- And you investigate.
Yes, I’ll marry you my dear,
You may not apprehend it,
But when the tumble - drier goes
It’s you that has to mend it.
You’ll have to face the neighbour
Should our Labrador attack him,
And if a drunkard fondles me
It’s you that has to whack him.
Yes, I’ll marry you,
You’re virile and your lean
My house is like a pigsty
You can help to keep it clean.
That sexy little dinner
That you served by candlelight,
As I do chipolatas
You can cook it every night!
It’s you who has to work the drill
And put up curtain track,
And when I’m in a grumpy mood -
- It’s you who gets the flack.
I do see great advantages
But none of them for you
And so - before you see the light,
I do, I do, I do!
Atlas
There is a kind of love called maintenance,
Which stores the WD40 and knows when to use it;
Which checks the insurance, and doesn’t forget
The milkman; which remembers to plant bulbs;
Which answers letters; which knows the way
The money goes; which deals with dentists
And Road Fund Tax and meeting trains,
And postcards to the lonely; which upholds
The permanently rickety elaborate
Structures of living; which is Atlas
And maintenance is the sensible side of love,
Which knows what time and weather are doing
To my brickwork; insulates my faulty wiring;
Laughs at my dry rotten jokes; remembers
My need for gloss and grouting; which keeps
My suspect edifice upright in air,
As Atlas did the sky